He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
