i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
