who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
