You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
