The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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