When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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