My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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