I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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