She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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