Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
