I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Randomize
