I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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