I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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