You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
