I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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