I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
