everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
