Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
