Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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