i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
