Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ugly people sure do ruin things
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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