strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
