I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
