Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
