I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
