im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
