False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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