he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
