Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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