I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
