In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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