i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
