i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
