what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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