at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
