I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
one two three fourrrrnication!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
