Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
