So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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