Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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