Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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