hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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