I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
