We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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