Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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