I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
