Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
