she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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