You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
