I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
