one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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