So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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