Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
