"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize