Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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